Learning to lean

I got home from work tonight and immediately crashed on the couch. I was tired and extremely frustrated from work, and also starting to feel sick. I really hate feeling sick.

After I woke up from a critically-needed nap and had some chicken-noodle soup (good for what ails you, they say), I laid down on the couch, petting my cats. All of the confusion and aggravation of the day seemed to swirl around me. I felt let down (by God) because of the difficulty of the job, and because of the sickness that was beginning to manifest in my body, and I could feel my sense of hope receding.

I started playing a song on my cell phone; it was a recording of a live worship set by Laura Hackett from IHOP-KC:

There is no pit too deep

that Jesus cannot reach.

There is no sorrow so strong,

that would overtake Your beloved one.

And He’s brought me to the wilderness,

where I will learn to sing.

And He lets me know my barrenness,

so I will learn to lean.

On that very last part, the revelation and comfort of God came crashing into the room. With weeping, I came to the realization of what God was up to, yet again.

In every trial, God’s goal is not to have me grovel as a subservient creature (I am that, and less), but to have me wholly lean and depend on Him, as my Father, as my saviour, as the Lover of my soul.

He is the One who desires to walk with me in the mundaneness and barrenness of everyday life. He desires me to lean on Him and walk with Him, through all of the little hurts and aggravations. He will attack my self-conceited independence with His loving zeal, until all my heart is His, until everything in my life is in His presence, until we are one.

Lord, consume until there is nothing left of me that would choose to be apart from thee!

Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?

Sweet Detour

Tonight, after our prayer meeting, I went out for a milkshake with a dear brother from our prayer group. We talked for about an hour about what God is doing in our midst, and towards the end I shared the ache of my heart to see some of the reality of God manifest in our midst; in holiness, deliverance, healing and revival.

I shared a recording of a live Misty Edwards worship set from IHOP, where she sang:

I still believe:

In the fullness of You.

You said in the latter days –

I still believe.

No disease known to man will stand.

I still believe:

That You will set my heart on fire.

I still believe:

That You will manifest Your power.

I still believe. I still believe.

Because I’m so grateful for all that You’ve given.

And I will not despise the day of small beginnings,

But God, I’m so hungry for the more.

I still believe. I still believe.

I’m so grateful for Your hand, and I’m so grateful for all You’re moving, I’m so grateful for where You’ve brought us –

But God, but God…

I still believe:

For the greater works than these.

I still believe:

For the power on the heart and the power on the hands, I believe:

That we will be a people that love You undividedly.

I still believe.

I still believe:

That Your name will be glorified.

I still believe.

I still believe:

In the middle of worship, Your presence will show up like never before.

I believe it, I believe it!

I still believe:

The stadiums will be filled with the fear of the Lord and the love of the Lord.

I believe it, I believe it!

I still believe:

That no disease known to man will stand.

I still believe in the coming rain.

And I still believe:There’ll be a place where a young man can find deliverance.

I still believe it! I still believe it! I still believe it!

And I still believe:

Many, many, many souls will come in, like the flowers of the field,

I still believe.

And I still believe:

A great awakening is coming to this land,

I still believe!

And I still believe:

The dead will rise, I believe it!

The lame will walk, I believe it, I can see it!

The deaf will hear, I believe it!

And I still believe:

That the fear of the Lord will be our portion, as the multitude see the demonstrations of power in our midst.

And I believe it.

And I still believe. I still believe:

That the dreamers will dream and the prophets will prophesy, I still believe.

And I still believe:

In that latter, latter rain. I still believe. I still believe.

So open up the heavens, just let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!

The dead will rise and testify.

I can see it and I believe it.

The blind will see and many will believe.

And I can see a great awakening, I can see a great outpouring, in the midst of a great shaking.

I believe it, I believe it.

There’ll be a sign in the heaven and a wonder in the earth, and many, many, many will see and believe and tremble, and fear You, and fear You again.

I believe, and I can see the clouds are gathering, even now, even now make us ready for the rain.

Anyway, I was sharing my heart with my brother out of this song, and when I left, I started heading back home.

Usually, I just make a beeline for the house, but I felt the Lord leading me a different way. At first I ignored it, but only a block or so into my regular (direct) route home, I took a U-turn and went back, and took the route I felt the Lord leading me on, which was totally inefficient (by my reckoning) and out of the way.

I started driving while listening to the song, and I started to really feel the Holy Spirit speak to me through the song. I really identified with His desire to manifest His power on the earth, and His desire for a resting place (Psalm 132) on the earth.

There were parts of the song while I was driving around (seemingly aimlessly, but totally in the will and plan of God) that I just sobbed openly, seeing and tasting God’s desire for planet earth — His desire to transform our lives (and our planet), hampered only by our utter contempt for His presence (I speak of Christians, not unbelievers).

At the end, when I finally started heading towards home, I could feel God’s thankfulness… that I stayed in His presence and listened to His heart concerning a matter, through a song. Friendship with God really blows my mind, especially considering what a weak and flawed vessel I am.

You are still holy

This weekend, the Lord had me go and visit some friends in Marshall, TX, rather than go and spend time with family as I usually do on the fourth of July.

As we were driving to a friend’s house, a song came on the car stereo that really took me back. It was Kari Jobe singing “You are still holy.”

This really struck my heart and I remembered hearing Misty Edwards sing the song a couple years back, and how deeply it impacted me then.

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don’t deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I’m at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up ’til now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

I really had a moment worshiping the Lord in the van there, and the song put to rest so many questions I had lingering issues in my life, and healed so much of the aimless wandering of the last couple of years.

No matter what the rest of my life looks life, my primary occupation will be loving Jesus. I’m not going to be anxious for what I think my life should be. As long as He is in the center of it, everything else can look horrible on the outside and it won’t matter.

Alive again!

I haven’t posted anything in a while, other than some little tweets and much (mostly) pointless facebooking. I remember reading a post from David Sliker’s blog which said that his wife can tell where his heart is at based upon how recently he has posted to his blog. This is also very true of me. I haven’t posted anything in 7 months, and it has certainly been a dry spell.

I was driving home from work and I felt so “dry and crusty.” I was talking to the Lord during my drive, because I really wanted Him to interrupt and re-invigorate my ever-so “Blah” existence. I really wanted Him to direct me to a place of encounter so I could meet with Him. I was desperate because for so long I had denied Him by saying in my heart, “I’m doing ok on my own, I don’t need Your presence, God.” I remember so many instances in the last two weeks when He came to visit me (especially during work), and I just ignored Him, because I thought I was doing ok on my own.

I’m really thankful that the Lord totally blasted me with His Life, and gave me more revelation of His heart. I really had a heart cry out of Psalm 49:

Psa 49:3 My mouth shall speak wisdom, And the meditation of my heart [shall give] understanding.

It made me think… What is the meditation of my heart? Is it wisdom? Is it revelation? Is God in there hardly at all?

I’ve also been dealing with how seriously Facebook and Twitter have stolen my blogging thunder. Why spend the time to put your thought into elegant flowing prose* when you can

mash out 140 chars of TEH schweet tweets?

*Okay, nothing on my blog may pass as truly elegant prose, but at least there’s no character limit. 140 characters isn’t writing, it’s a thought packet. Makes me think of 1984 and “Newspeak”

The rewards of saying “Yes”

As I was driving towards home tonight, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit to go aside so we could spend some time together. (Is that awesome or what?) Unfortunately, I had a lot to do to get ready for my trip to IHOP tomorrow.

However, I’ve been up at 5:00am the past two nights to watch the God.TV daily devotional. Mike has been teaching on James 1:4:

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (ESV)

I wish I could remember more of the teaching, but I wrote down that scripture and a couple others on an index card and took it to work with me. When work got dull or frustrating, and I wanted to hop on a time-wasting website, I just remembered that verse about persevering (steadfastness). Other times recently when I have felt the Lord’s presence restraining me (e.g. “Ok son, lets shift away from that time-wasting activity…”), I have tried to stop as quickly as possible and shift into what He wants me to do.

Let me tell you, trying to be obedient in this simple area the last couple of days has had an awesome effect on me! There’s nothing worse than closing out a day feeling quenched in your spirit and barren in your heart because you’ve wasted so much of the day, and against His admonition. Thank God for His grace and the ability to get back in His will, but it’s so awesome to go a whole day without getting out of sync and feeling quenched!

I wanted to encourage all the readers out there (lurkers, I should say… make a comment already!): Understand and remember the grace of God. Read Romans 8:1 until it is weaved into your spirit… THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION!! No matter what happened, as long as you’re born again and have repented, you are not a failure in God’s eyes!

One of the things that the Lord showed me not too long ago which so reassured my heart was that I was a success in His eyes, because after all the years I’ve known Him, I still choose Him and love Him… That I have a rich history in Him (even in the midst of what I’d call failures and even falling into sin), and in a time that the nations are becoming increasingly anti-Christ, I still love Him. That counts a LOT in the heart of God, even if you feel like you are a very weak christian. Just keep pressing in and receive the encouragement of the Holy Spirit, good bible teachers, and especially friends that are pressing into God alongside you.

Blessings!

TheCall DC 2008

I just got back last night from TheCall DC. I met up with a church group taking a bus to DC from Dallas last Thursday, and after 30 hours on the road (whew!), we arrived at DC. After a couple hours of late sightseeing, I headed back to the hotel for some z’s before the big day.

The Call was awesome, and there were many times when I was just gripped with intercession, to the point of crying out in groaning and tears. I also loved breaking into the small prayer groups… It’s awesome to pray with some zealous intercessors! There was much needed repentance and rending of hearts there. I pray that those who went (especially myself) are marked forever, and will never again succumb to “walking as men.” (spiritual mediocrity and slumber)

I really wish that more went, but I am thankful for 70,000… I believe that number means more in the heart of God than 500,000, 1,000,000 or 1,500,000 would mean to me.

The busload of people I went with were some of the most awesome believers I have ever met. I really fell in love with that group, and their love for one another (and others) and their culture of prayer was absolutely breathtaking.

On the way back, God decided to really mess us up. Just a few hours into our trip back, our bus broke down in Lexington, Virginia. At first, the fact that we were stuck in this small city frazzled us (we weren’t sure if we were anywhere near civilization at first), but as we started rolling with the punches, God’s plan unfurled. We did some sightseeing of Stonewall Jackson’s grave, and we all sat down to pray and discuss the prophetic meaning of “stone wall.”

That night, we had a prayer meeting that I won’t soon forget. The bus company put us up in a hotel owned and operated by an awesome christian family. They let us use the back room after they closed down for our prayer meeting. One of the members of our party was a paralytic, who was confined to a wheelchair. After several minutes of intense and prevailing prayer, she regained feeling in one of her legs and was able to stand with help, but not walk yet. I went back to the hotel, and on the way up to my floor, someone shouted that she was now walking! We all lost it and started worshipping Jesus at the top of our lungs, screaming “Hallelujah!!” as we ran back downstairs. I saw this sister who had been confined to a wheelchair with incurable paralysis walk, run, dance and worship Jesus with no physical limitations… we were all beside ourselves, and several people were kneeling in the grass, weeping and praising God.

The next day really ministered to me as well, as several believers prayed for my healing, physically and emotionally. I really met the Lord there and my heart was really refreshed. Oh, the glory of a prophetic company!

On the bus ride back, I was literally weeping… All I could think about is coming back to a barren environment in my city and my church, and other situations in my life that seemed to have a lot of death. I dreaded it, but the Lord is still meeting me as I set aside time to talk to Him.

I sure miss the fellowship, though.

I hope to have links to some of my videos of The Call posted soon.

Consistency

The Lord has been speaking to me about consistency…

So many times, my walk with God is up and down. Recently, He’s been smoothing out the curve a lot, and I’m very thankful for that. A lot of that has had to do with me coming into a sold understanding of my identity in Him.

A simple encouragement the Lord gave me today was:

Don’t fret about how soon you feel like you’ve cooled off of a high from a conference or encounter. Just press into Me.

So, I am endeavoring to pursue Him more consistently. I am so thankful for His wonderful presence which rushes to meet me every time I draw near to Him. I am carving out a place on my desk where I an just seek Him out in His word, with prayer. I feel like I’ve been well trained (by Him) in how to seek Him at church, in prayer meetings, in worship services, and out in the field when He calls on me to go somewhere to intercede. But I have been very lax in my pursuit of Him in the simplicity of my prayer closet. I’m thankful for the grace to be able to remedy that.

Mary of Bethany

Mark 14:3-9

3 And being in Bethany at the house of Simon the leper, as He sat at the table, a woman came having an alabaster flask of very costly oil of spikenard. Then she broke the flask and poured it on His head. 4 But there were some who were indignant among themselves, and said, “Why was this fragrant oil wasted? 5 For it might have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.” And they criticized her sharply.
6 But Jesus said, “Let her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a good work for Me. 7 For you have the poor with you always, and whenever you wish you may do them good; but Me you do not have always. 8 She has done what she could. She has come beforehand to anoint My body for burial. 9 Assuredly, I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her.”

That is what life (here on earth or in eternity) is all about. It’s about worship. Real worship, which we see infrequently on sunday mornings (it’s NOT about singing songs, it’s about pouring out what you are at the feet of Jesus).

Mary gave her all for Jesus. She sat at his feet instead of worrying about preparing a meal like her sister Martha. In today’s churches, Martha would be a hero, and Mary would be criticized to no end. I truly feel sorry for so many christians who’s only concept of a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus is some fuzzy and distant theology, and doing a bunch of things for “church.” It also said that she was one of the women who followed Jesus, taking care of His practical needs. She got one good look at who He is, and she threw everything she had and everything she was at His feet.

She was a small and insignificant creature (like us all), but she gave a whole burnt offering… she gave her whole life to Jesus. This is what make the whole DaVinci Code so maddeningly stupid. To take the relationship Mary had with Jesus (which is an good example for us all) and make it into a physical thing cheapens it beyond recognition.

Mary of Bethany is my hero. Not Paul, not Peter, not any apostle. I like Paul and John because of the quality of relationship they had with Jesus. I like David for the same reason. I like Mary so much because that’s ALL SHE HAD. She didn’t do any great exploits. She didn’t conquer the nations. She never preached. Yet she had something greater than any other women who ever lived, possibly even Mary, the Lord’s mother. She worshipped Jesus and had a life of devotion like no other. She sat at His feet, and that was the thing she esteemed the most.
Wow.

Prayer for wisdom

Father, give me wisdom and help me to order my life, so that I may stand before the Son of Man. I do not want to waste my life on useless frivolity. I do not want to spend the rest of my life making excuses for myself. 

 

Luke 21:34-36

34 “Watch out! Don’t let your hearts be dulled by carousing and drunkenness, and by the worries of this life. Don’t let that day catch you unaware, 35 like a trap. For that day will come upon everyone living on the earth. 36 Keep alert at all times. And pray that you might be strong enough to escape these coming horrors and stand before the Son of Man.”

Awaken Love

…I am listening to Sean Feucht’s “Awaken Love” song on the Burn website here at work…

…and my heart is ready to throw off all its chains.

God, it’s time… set us all free… free from the useless distractions that catch our eyes from day to day.

Awaken love. It pleases. Please.
 
 
 
It’s all about the Relationship
 
 
 
How dare we get caught up in our petty agendas, doctrinal disputes, and the anointing we think we have… Someday soon someone with a very simple mind and a totally pure heart is going to pick up a bible and start praying… and will shake the nations… with a purity that we cannot fathom, while we are so busy justifying our incessant quests for self-gratification and entertainment. There is no shortcut to intimacy with the Bridegroom.

God, awaken love! Put an end to the charade… the show…

“You’re rising up like the morning sun
Shining down salvation
Let Your Spirit awaken
Awaken Love”