I got home from work tonight and immediately crashed on the couch. I was tired and extremely frustrated from work, and also starting to feel sick. I really hate feeling sick.
After I woke up from a critically-needed nap and had some chicken-noodle soup (good for what ails you, they say), I laid down on the couch, petting my cats. All of the confusion and aggravation of the day seemed to swirl around me. I felt let down (by God) because of the difficulty of the job, and because of the sickness that was beginning to manifest in my body, and I could feel my sense of hope receding.
I started playing a song on my cell phone; it was a recording of a live worship set by Laura Hackett from IHOP-KC:
There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach.
There is no sorrow so strong,
that would overtake Your beloved one.
And He’s brought me to the wilderness,
where I will learn to sing.
And He lets me know my barrenness,
so I will learn to lean.
On that very last part, the revelation and comfort of God came crashing into the room. With weeping, I came to the realization of what God was up to, yet again.
In every trial, God’s goal is not to have me grovel as a subservient creature (I am that, and less), but to have me wholly lean and depend on Him, as my Father, as my saviour, as the Lover of my soul.
He is the One who desires to walk with me in the mundaneness and barrenness of everyday life. He desires me to lean on Him and walk with Him, through all of the little hurts and aggravations. He will attack my self-conceited independence with His loving zeal, until all my heart is His, until everything in my life is in His presence, until we are one.
Lord, consume until there is nothing left of me that would choose to be apart from thee!
Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?